jokerheader.gif (5284 bytes)Humorous Stories

 

 

 

JOKES, HUMOROUS STORIES AND SPEECH QUIPS

The master of ceremonies is defined as the person who gets the "bull" rolling.
- Exectuive Speechwriter

As the speaker said as he opened an early morning meeting, "Friends and 'nodding' aquaintenances..."
- Executive Spechwriter.

The last time I spoke to this group many of you had colds. When I ended my speech I said, "I hope you get better soon." One of the members said, "I hope you do, too."
- Exectuive Speechwriter

Blessed is the man who having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of that fact.
- George Eliot

Discretion of speech is more than eloquence. He that speaks much is much mistaken. The true use of speech is to conceal our thoughts. One speaks little when vanity does not make one speak.
- La Rochefoucauld

It is impossible to defeat an ignornant man in an argument.
- William G. McAdoo

Rhetoric is the art of ruling the minds of men.
- Plato

And 'tis remarkable that they talk most, who have least to say.
- Prior

While the right to talk may be the beginning of freedom, the necessity of listening is what makes the right important.
- Walter Lippmann

A hick town is one where there is no place to go where you shouldn't be...
- Alexander Wollcott

Everyman who is high up loves to think that he has done it all himself; and his wife smiles and lets it go at that.
- J. M. Barrie

There is only one thing for a man to do who is married to a woman who enjoys spending money, that is to enjoy earning it.
- Edgar W. Howe

Washington, D. C. : A place where they take the taxpayer's shirt and have a bureau in which to put it.
- Unknown

Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.
- James Thurber

I remember a story told by a teacher...one winter afternoon she was showing a small boy how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said, "is to gert the piece of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up." The young boy looked at the teacher quizzically and asked, "Why does it have to be a secret?"
- Unknown

A terrified and inexpereinced speaker stood up at a meeting and confessed, "My friends, when I came here tonight only God and myself knew what I was going to talk about...now God only knows."
- Unknown

DI hope to make my message clear and cover all the details. I want to avoid the kind of problem a young executive and his wife encountered on a vacation. This couple decied to spend a long weekened at an exclusive and luxurious Palm Beach resort. However, the second day they ran out of baby food for their 18 month old daughter. They asked the very proper concierge if he could direct them to the market. The concierge gave them explicit directions in terms of blocks and turns north and east. They soon found the market with no trouble at all - it was a branch of Merrill Lynch.
- La Rochefoucauld

It is hard to feel that life on Mars is possible when so often it seems impossible here on earth.
- Presbyterian Life

A nurse said, "It is the extra undemanded things I do that give me the greatest satisfaction." In those words, she put her finger on one of the greatest sources of joy in human life. Whatever our job, its the undemanded things that inspire the inner glow that is the token of the rewarding life.
- Sunshine Magazine

"Great God, let me walk three weeks in the footsteps of my enemy, carry the same burden, have the same trials and temptations as he, before I say one word to criticize him."
- An Indian Chief Prayer

Modern youth: "Our youths love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for their elders and love to chatter in place of exercise. Children are now tyrants, not the servants of their households. They no longer rise when their elders enter the room. They contradict their parents, chatter before company, gobble up their food and tyrannize their teachers."
- Socrates, 400 B.C.

It is remarkable how easy it is to obey traffic signs, when a cop is in back of you.
- Unknown

Nothing helps adult education like children.
- Unknown

Just because a person grows older, it doesn't mean he necessarily grows up.
- Unknown

Some fisherman catch their fish by the tale.
- Unknown

The way for nations to do away with war, may be to pray more and prey less.
- Unknown

It isn't easy to keep your mouth and your mind open at the same time.
- Unknown

No one leads the orchestra without turning his back on the crowd.
- Unknown

Some people know how to live everyone else's life, but their own.
- Unknown

An antique is a piece of furniture that is paid for.
- Unknown

What you hear never seems as exciting as what you overhear.
- Unknown

A rich man is only a poor man with money.
- Unknown

Conscience is what makes a small boy tell his Dad before his sister does.
- Unknown

If at first you don't succeed, you are about like everyone else.
- Unknown

Why are the ignorant so certain and the intelligent so uncertain?
- Unknown

Don't worry about what people think of you, they seldom do.
- Unknown

An ounce of keep your mouth shut beats a ton of explanation.
- Unknown

The highest reward for a man's toil is not what he gets for it, but what he becomes by it.
- O Jay Bulletin

The guy who is a good sport, has to lose to prove it.
- Unknown

Speak when you are angry and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.
- Unknown

The most welcome person is the one who knows when to leave.
- Unknown

No one has more ups and downs than the person in the end seat at the theater.
- Unknown

Love makes the world go 'round, but so does too much red pepper in the chili.
- Unknown

One reason you can't take it with you when you go - is that you don't have any left.
- Unknown

If a person wants to get ahead, he has to start without all the advantages others have.
- H. V. Prochnow

Sow an act and you reap a habit. Sow a habit and you reap a character. Sow a character and you reap a destiny.
- Unknown

All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.
- Unknown

Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.
- Robert Frost

The hatred we bear our enemies, injuries their happiness less than our own.
- J. Petit-Senn

Life is a tradegy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think.
- La Bruyere

A man who can be a hero to his wife's relations, may face the rest of the world fearlessly.
- Meredith Nicholson

And if I laugh at any mortal thing, 'Tis that I may not weep.
- Byron, Don Juan

Laugh and the world laughs with you, Weep and you weep alone, For sad old earth must borrow its mirth, But has trouble enough of its own.
- Ella Wheeler Wilcox

On this hapless earth, There's small sincerity of mirth, And laughter oft is but an act, To drown the outcry of the heart.
- Hartley Coleridge

Some people speak when they speak, some more often.
- Unknown

It's easy to pick out the best people, they'll help you do it.
- Unknown

You'll never know all the answers because you will never be asked all the questions.
- Unknown

No two people are alike and they are both glad.
- Unknown

If you want to learn to read fortunes, you need to read Dun & Bradstreet.
- Unknown

The seven ages of a woman are - the right age and six guesses.
- Unknown

The man who says money can do everything, hasn't any.
- Unknown

Remember, your relatives had no choice in the matter either.
- Unknown

There is no education like adversity.
- Disraeli

All men have eyes but few have the gift of penetration.
- Machiavelli

Strong and bitter words dictate a weak cause.
- Victor Hugo

Who brought me hither, will bring me hence, no other guide I seek.
- Milton